i cant believe i didnt think of putting this in earlier!!!! O_o

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its finally happening!!! ROB AND JEN ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!! most likely this summer!!!

*dies* and it is going to be in my back yard!!! my mommy throws the best parties, and since its her son thats tying the knot…shes going to make it even better!!! :D :D

ok none of this is going to make any sense to anyone but me. but i dont care, its my journal, i can do with it what i want.

eyes. ever wonder why i like eyes so much? they are a window to your soul. you cannot stop them from shining or spilling their secrets. you look into my eyes you see the pains of eons. you see the shining of the billions of tears i have shed since i was brought into this world. you see the rays of light for what little fun i had as a child. you see the pains of my lost innocense. you see the hidden child, and the demon struggling to be set free. when i look into someones eyes i see stuff like that too, only they dont always have the same things as i do. everyone has different experiances in their life, and your eyes are what tells that story.

lately i have been feeling sort of different. well for a few weeks now actually. i have heard and watched people talk on TV about people and their soul. like where it is in your body, what it is and stuff like that. well lately, i feel something deep in the center of my chest. like theres something there other than my lungs and heart. like since i finally opened my heart, my soul was released. i do feel different. i almost want to say it feels like i am being hugged by some unknown force. like something out there loves me for who i am. i will hopefully find that someone someday. and i hope i can be sane enought to actually realize it and not push them away. i can be too cynical sometimes.

i walk a lot. it helps me think. when i walk to my bus stop for school in the morning, i cannot focus on one topic. i like that, it keeps me from dwelling fully on the pain. when i stand around waiting for the bus was when the tears started coming today. i will hurt for a long time. but i will wear my masks like i always do. hell i discovered a trick today playing with my tears. if you look down when they first start falling, they well up on the irises of your eyes, and you see them rippling. i found that to be cool.

my heart is still in pain. i know it will be for a long time. but this time i am not going to close it up. i am going to try something different. maybe someone will see me for me if i am fully there. not just my brain, but my heart too. i will always be Tim’s friend. but i will not give up on my feelings for him, even if he doents like me back. i dont care anymore. i will just be there for him. i will put on my mask and hide the pain. he needs friends. i will someday find someone. i hope. i will always have that one moment we shared together.

i want to fly. i feel like i am lacking something in my arms and shoulders. i want to feel the wind whip through my hair as i beat massivly long wings, soaring higher and higher. i guess i worship my dragons a lot. i want to become one. the bealch of fire, taste of charcoal, the tingle of magic.

i cant find any music to sooth me for some reason. i am not in a full fledge rage. infact i am quite content. its just that all of my music is making me aggitated.(sp) i have tried both of my playlists. nothing. i keep changing songs.

i think i am going to end this now, i am very tired. and lazy…i guess…doesnt make sense does it?

StarryNiteDragon [2:30 PM]: “Katie……I…….thank you” for what?
Knightwolf2814 [2:30 PM]: for understanding
StarryNiteDragon [2:31 PM]: i have watched this world enough…sometimes some people arent ment to be alone
Knightwolf2814 [2:33 PM]: then why did she have to leave me?
Knightwolf2814 [2:33 PM]: Why wouldn’t she stay?
StarryNiteDragon [2:33 PM]: are you sure you want my opinion on this matter?
Knightwolf2814 [2:33 PM]: I could have given her everything
Knightwolf2814 [2:34 PM]: but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be
StarryNiteDragon [2:34 PM]: do you really want me to answer those questions with my opinion?
Knightwolf2814 [2:34 PM]: no. no need
Knightwolf2814 [2:35 PM]: I know she’s not good for me anyways

StarryNiteDragon [2:35 PM]: thats not what i was going to say
Knightwolf2814 [2:35 PM]: what were you going to say?
StarryNiteDragon [2:36 PM]: at (correct me if i am wrong about the age) 17 years old, she might have been confused as to what she wanted…and it scared her. sometimes love can do that. scare people
StarryNiteDragon [2:37 PM]: it is a powerful feeling that can stop someone dead in their tracks, and overcome their very being. make their mind wander.
StarryNiteDragon [2:37 PM]: and it may have scared her to the point that she couldnt deal with it, so she ran.
Knightwolf2814 [2:37 PM]: yes but even over the course of the 4 years after that she still didn’t know what she wanted
StarryNiteDragon [2:37 PM]: some people never do know what they truly want in life
Knightwolf2814 [2:39 PM]: thats true
StarryNiteDragon [2:39 PM]: and wounds of the heart are more painful and take the longest to heal. it takes time, effort and help to make just the pain go away
Knightwolf2814 [2:39 PM]: yes i know
Knightwolf2814 [2:40 PM]: hold on
StarryNiteDragon [2:40 PM]: ok
Knightwolf2814 [2:42 PM]: back
StarryNiteDragon [2:42 PM]: *nod nod*
Knightwolf2814 [2:43 PM]: but the pain is something I must let go of
StarryNiteDragon [2:43 PM]: thats what i have been learning to do over the years
StarryNiteDragon [2:43 PM]: it is extremly hard
StarryNiteDragon [2:45 PM]: sometimes it just takes time, you dont just let go of it one day and wee your free
Knightwolf2814 [2:46 PM]: true
StarryNiteDragon [2:48 PM]: care to share whats on your mind?
Knightwolf2814 [2:49 PM]: for the first time, my mind is completely quiet
StarryNiteDragon [2:49 PM]: now is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Knightwolf2814 [2:50 PM]: good
StarryNiteDragon [2:51 PM]: do you want me to shut up now?
Knightwolf2814 [2:52 PM]: no that wouldn’t be right
StarryNiteDragon [2:53 PM]: “some battles are ment to be faught alone” this i know, if you ever want me to leave you alone just tell me, i will shut up. but i will always be there for you
StarryNiteDragon [2:53 PM]: even if you dont share my feelings. i cant give up on you
StarryNiteDragon [2:55 PM]: just next time, please dont lie to me. dont give me false hope, that hurts more than anything
Knightwolf2814 [2:56 PM]: well, its only within the past 12 hours that i’ve been sure about my feelings
Knightwolf2814 [2:57 PM]: so I never really lied
Knightwolf2814 [2:57 PM]: But I have to go
StarryNiteDragon [2:57 PM]: well if you were unsure, then you should have said something…
Knightwolf2814 [2:57 PM]: please don’t be mad at me
StarryNiteDragon [2:57 PM]: do you still want to come over later on today?
StarryNiteDragon [2:57 PM]: i am not mad
Knightwolf2814 [2:57 PM]: I don’t know if i can make it
StarryNiteDragon [2:57 PM]: okies
Knightwolf2814 [2:58 PM]: maybe later this week
StarryNiteDragon [2:58 PM]: i only have wedensday and saturday off of work
Knightwolf2814 [2:58 PM]: ok I’ll let you know
StarryNiteDragon [2:58 PM]: later tim
Knightwolf2814 [2:58 PM]: late