*extremely deep breath* depression has consumed me again, I think. Sparked this time by actions taken by my assholic real father.
I knew about it yesterday, the last time I posted…yet I didn’t write about it. Why? Because I chose to block it for just a few hours, until it settled in. By technicality, I have a step-mom. (I think, I am not quite sure), but my real father got her to call my brother, who lives in Cheektowaga. The protection order doesn’t expire until my sister turns 18. she’s 17 years, 3 months and 14 days old. That’s less than 9 months away. BUT since he got someone else to call, her being…possibly oblivious to the deeds which he did to us as children, its “technically” legal. I can’t tell you how afraid I am right now. The solid wall is crumbling again, and as Heather and Pengisann have pointed out…if Katie cries, there’s something wrong. VERY wrong. I am terrified. I don’t want to see him. Its bad enough I have flashbacks on a daily basis, now I have to deal with it again…the pains of my past. The pains I wish would just GO away. I don’t know where to go, or what to do…I am just too scared now. He knows where part of my family is…a part I care quite a bit about. My sister-in-law, 2 nieces and my brother. I nearly lost them 2 years ago on 9-11 I don’t want to have to fear that again.
I have no one to talk to, I am too afraid I will scare everyone off…and trust me I will…with all of my anger, rage and hatred…its quite frightening. Even now I am holding it in…its 11:30 pm on 11/24/03 I am balling my eyes out, and my sister is sleeping not more than 4 feet from me. I wish I was normal…I wish I didn’t have these problems. I don’t want to be mental anymore. I wish I could trade my mind for what’s behind door #2…hopefully it’s a toaster…it knows what to do with its life. I am just too lost. Confused. Scared. Tired. And just plain sick of living. I have nothing to live for. I know now why I don’t believe in the biblical version of the devil. Its because I have seen the devil face to face. His name is Robert Cmor. (not my brother Rob). The devil IS my father. He walks upon this earth, spreading his waves of fear and impurities. And it scares me. What I want to do to him, frightens me. I am normally a relatively docile person…yes I am violent, but rare is the day I act upon it. I want to take the katana I held at the electronics convention on Friday, and slowly peal off his top layer of skin, watching all of the blood pool and well up. Then pull out clumps of his hair out in chunks just to hear him scream because his skull is being ripped from the bone. Then, I want to carve each and every muscle out of his body in alphabetical order. Leaving him with just a husk of veins, skeleton, and organs. By then he’d be dead…but I wouldn’t stop there. I would figure out how “black” magic works so I can resurrect him…and continue to disembowel him. He fucking deserves it. I hate him. I hate him, I wish he would die, and/or drop off of the face of the earth. Its because of him I am so unattractive. I have no faith or trust in any men. A guy is nice to me, I wonder what he wants. I am not a toy, and I am sick of being used over and over again by him in my mind. Every day, I relive it. It will, and has driven me to insanity. I don’t know what is right anymore.
I want to be able to look at my sister and not have to worry about her dealing with what I do. She thankfully doesn’t remember anything. I am afraid she will remember it someday. Her mind will break like a thin layer of glass when that happens. My baby sister was hurt so badly. My brother and mommy too. We all were hurt, and yet he still wont give up and just leave us alone. I want to hide, but there is no where to go, and no where to turn where I will feel safe. I will never be safe if I am to stay here in this body. But I cannot leave it until God calls me back. I was at “high” risk for suicide when I was little, so mom told me that God forces all people who kill them self to re-live their life exactly the way they did before they took their life…in other words their punishment for going to the land of Heaven, before being called, is to re-live hell. I don’t ever want to do that. I have no where to turn though. I cant cry near anyone. The only thing that has seen me cry tears of fear this year is 1) tim (that was quite by accident), and 2) my computer. Nothing else. I cant cry. Its weakness…but I guess I am being weak now, because the tears wont stop, neither will my shaking. I need help but I cannot get it, therapists don’t help…I have tried them…and trust me. They do jack shit.
I am going to end this now, I need sleep, and I need to be awake for class in 6 hours. I am scared…I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me I will be ok (but that is never going to happen.) And that when I finally do fall asleep tonight, he wont come to our door. Even my mom is afraid…she has jack keeping guard of her (our Russell terrier).
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